You Can't Plan Joy

I've been panicking;  mildly yes, but still panicking  I have been struggling to pin down certain aspects of the story I'm supposed to start in April for Camp NaNoWriMo. I have several characters I like and something of the plot but so much is still a jumbled mess.

The story is about love and motives and all sorts of difficult themes that I'm not sure I can handle. I've begun wondering what experience I have that qualifies me to write this. Should I even try? Is there another story, one which I don't care about as much, one that I wouldn't ruin?

My first time in NaNo I didn't have time to worry before hand, I found out about it and signed up the same day. I picked the only story that was even near being ready to write and ran with it. But still, I thought to day, I must have worried about it, I know I did. So I went back to my journal entries for that month and I have never been so thankful I to have kept a journal.  I know I worried at some point but that's not what I found as I flipped though the first few weeks of November. I'll give you a few excerpts to show you what I mean:

(November 10th, 2012) "I get so giddy when I find out something about my characters while writing them that I didn't know before. Its fantasist!..."

(November 11th 2012) "Meeting a now character blows my mind somedays ..[a] guy shows up, introduces himself and attaches himself to your Main character as his new best friend. Pretty soon you find out that he wants to be a cook..."

I was exited and happy; I wrote about how my word count was rising and how cool it was to see a the story grow from an idea into something visible, something real, right beneath my fingers. I wrote how thankful I was for the gift God had given me. There were still worries noted hear and there but over all I was clearly enjoying myself .

There is only so much you can plan I guess, some things you can only learn through writing. Maybe this first draft wont be what I've been hoping for, but then I don't really expect the first draft to be at all perfect  and yet at the same time I want it to be. I need to remember to let go a little and see what comes out when I start writing. that thrill of discovery is one of the things I love the most about writing; you never know what you'll find out.

I don't expect that this will be the last of my 'panic attacks  but remembering why I loved NaNo has certainly helped. So, loosen up and don't stress too much about what you don't know, after all, that's half the fun.